The Friendly Bouncers

Episode 3, Part 4: Death of a Salesman

With Lazlya in tow, Chase and Dregar made their way to the von Rossler estate. Despite some confusion with the guest list, Dregar and Lazlya made their way into the banquet proper, while Chase decided to sneak in through the back. Thanks to some unexpected aid from the carbuncle Lumalise, Chase discovered a secret passage in the stables behind the mansion, leading into what appeared to be a dungeon. Chase was in luck, as he stumbled upon a cell containing Thoradin, Svay, and Crogg. However, his celebration was cut short as he was promptly noticed and disarmed by the leader of the house guard, Captain Krauser. Fortunately, the captain was aware of the Bouncers and their intentions, and freed the captives from their cell. Apparently, the captain suspected that a recent house guest of the Baron was up to no good.

Meanwhile, Dregar and Lazlya scouted things out topside whilst fraternizing with the guards and sampling fine Arkhosian delicacies. With no immediate danger in sight, the main event got underway, with Dregar and Lazlya sitting alongside the Baron as guests of honor. The Baron raised his glass in a toast, and unveiled his newest and greatest discovery: the sarcophagus of Emperor Rhaegon Azurskin himself. Suddenly, a haze manifested over the crowd, lulling the Lazlya and the other partygoers to sleep. Dregar managed to retain his senses and stumble to the sarcophagus, while the culprit made himself known: George Griswold.

Griswold had changed since his last encounter with the Bouncers, his flesh hideously warped and coated with reptilian scales. With sarcastic applause, he congratulated Dregar, offering him a front row seat for his “rise to power”. His plans were cut short, however, with the timely intervention of Chase, Thoradin, and Svay, who charged into battle to join Dregar. Griswold cursed the Bouncers, and with a surge of foul shadow magic, molted his human exterior, revealing a winged, beaked creature, and revealed his true identity: the ex-kobold cultist, Kribble. With his chips on the table, Kribble revealed his true objective: to acquire the body of Rhaegon Azurskin as his new vessel, and establish the supremacy of the Crimson Talon.

The Bouncers, however, would not allow it to come to pass, and after a long struggle, Kribble was routed and banished to a shadowy fate. Baron von Rossler, now owing a twofold debt to the Bouncers, decided to repay them in the most fitting manner possible: a small part of his collection of Arkhosian relics, and a contract to rebuild the Friendly Bouncers’ guild hall.

And so, having saved the day once more, the Bouncers return to their new guildhall-to-be, awaiting their next mission to protect Rivergate from harm.

Spoils of Battle
All: 1000 gp, and a brand new guild hall with the finest Arkhosian architecture
Chase: The barley-laden utility vest of Leland Ericksmoen (“+1 Battle Harness”)
Dregar: The Bear Cloak of Kaiser Harmon Burstner (“+1 Frostwolf Pelt”)
Lazlya: The bracers of Lady von Glauben (“Bracers of Archery”), along with her patented Air Glauben sneakers
Svay: The shield of Alfonso Rygard (“Throwing Shield”), and the training chain of Leland Ericksmoen (Its powers still remain dormant…)
Thoradin: The battle cape of Rhaegon Azurskin (“+2 Cloak of Resistance”, though it smells slightly of poo…)

Episode 3, Part 3: Alleyway Reunion

After depositing two of the Phantom Rangers in prison and taking a much-deserved rest, the Friendly Bouncers made their way back to the commercial district. Navigating through a bustling farmers’ market, they came to Ye Olde Bagel Corner, where they found Phantom Green emerging with bags full of fresh bagels. Surprisingly, Green formally apologized for his group’s actions, having been forced into taking the job to support his wife and daughter. The Bouncers lived up to their name and forgave the apologetic half-orc, who re-introduced himself as Crogg, and agreed to accompany him in his rendez-vous with the Phantom Rangers’ client.

Dregar and Svay followed Crogg into the alley behind Ye Olde Bagel Corner, while Chase and Thoradin remained hidden in the shadows. To their surprise, they were greeted by the cat-eared girl from the previous night, who introduced herself as Aurora, the former Phantom Pink. With bitterness in her voice and hypocrisy in her choice of clothing, she taunted the group and offered Crogg a chance to redeem his failures by bringing the Friendly Bouncers to her master. When Crogg refused, Aurora upped the stakes. Summoning Phantom Red and Yellow through a portal of shadows, she made them the same offer. Red was determined not to be thrown back in prison, and assaulted the group with a rebel yell. Yellow was hesitant, but promptly discarded her inhibitions upon consuming a packet of Sparking Electric Curry. Blue also made an appearance, now out for blood, but was promptly ambushed and drained of blood by Thoradin and Chase.

Ultimately, the group succeeded in subduing the Phantom Rangers a second time, and were able to retrieve Fornicus’ wine glass from Aurora’s fanny pack. However, the victory was cut short by the disembodied voice of George Griswold echoing through the alleyway, who promptly opened another portal of shadow to retrieve the bloodied Aurora. Thoradin refused to let the girl escape, and attempted to prevent Aurora from escaping. Unfortunately, the plan ultimately backfired, resulting with Thoradin, Svay, Aurora, and Crogg being dragged through the portal by black chains.

Chase and Dregar stood in the empty alleyway, now at a loss for words. They chose to head back and report to Mandingo, who they found conversing with an older man wearing plate armor and a heavy cloak. The man introduced himself as High Inquisitor Melchiot, a member of Rivergate’s Power Trio and a close friend of Mandingo. Hearing of the Bouncers’ run-in with Griswold and Aurora, the Inquisitor divulged that there was more to this incident, and that Griswold was planning something sinister under the cover of a banquet at the estate of Baron von Rossler. Melchiot had a man on the inside, but it would likely not be sufficient to expose Griswold and stop his plans. Chase and Dregar agreed to infiltrate the banquet, by any means necessary, and put a stop to the shady merchant once and for all.

Meanwhile, Svay and Thoradin groggily regained consciousness in an underground jail cell. Slowly regaining their bearings, all they could make out was the idle chatter of guards preparing for their duties at the evening’s banquet.

Episode 3, Part 2: The Guild, the Guild, the Guild is on Fire

The Friendly Bouncers dropped everything, including three of their prisoners, and hurried to the town square, where their guild hall and the surrounding building had erupted into a roaring cacophony of flames. There, a black-haired young woman with drooping catlike ears proclaimed that the group had arrived too little, too late, brandishing the night’s spoils in one hand: the ever-flowing wine glass of Fornicus. The group attempted to give chase, but were stopped in their tracks by a brainwashed Hermot and Fornicus, their flesh literally transformed by a surge of violent, primal desire. The Bouncers’ resolve did not waver in the slightest, and after a harsh reprimanding and swift beatdown they were able to knock the sense back into their comrades.

After being touched up at the local infirmary, Mandingo gave the group a new order to find whoever was responsible and bring them to justice. The Bouncers re-entered the Rivergate Memorial Spire, thanks to some timely pouting from Lazlya, only to find that the captives they had dropped were long gone. The remaining two, Phantom Red and Phantom Yellow, regained consciousness shortly thereafter, both of them muttering in their sleep over someone called “Pink”. Dregar and Svay interrogated the now hyperventilating Phantom Red, who revealed that Pink was a former Phantom Ranger, who had ultimately left the group due to the general feeling of sexual harassment and racial intolerance from local civilians. Her whereabouts were currently unknown.

Red also revealed that the Phantom Rangers had planned to report to their client, a shady old man by the name of Griswold, by next sundown. Svay recognized the name as that of the former merchant owner of what was now the Fornicopia. With their target on the run and time ticking away, the Bouncers lay in wait to intercept Griswold and hopefully get the answers they need.

Only Swallowing is Acceptable. No Nonsense.

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Infirmary. Hermot and Fornicus regain consciousness.

Hermot: Agh…turns head to right I don’t feel so good. Hey Fornicus, why are you laying down next to me? In my bed. I thought you weren’t attracted to me…
Fornicus: Hermot, you’re the worst lover ever. OH MY! I’m just kidding you’re alright. pause Oh my, that’s the last time I swallow …
Hermot: Wait…wide-eyed Did I swallow too?
Fornicus: Of course, it’s only proper. nod nod
Hermot: Well…it didn’t happen if I don’t remember a thing.
Fornicus: Oh my I must be that good of a lover … OH MY! blush
Hermot: takes a look at eyepalette on his person WHO USED MY PRODUCT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!?
Fornicus: You know I’d never touch any of those colors … maybe Svay … in his pants. OH GOD THAT’S SO WRONG.
Hermot: Well I guess I’ll let it off. I’m in no condition to move and I got this awesome idea for a new product but you might not like it. I had this dream…that we were fighting Svay and the new recruits…
Fornicus: Oh how funny me too!
Hermot: continues Yeah, so a bunch of your dildos were swarming one of the new recruits and another one of the interns suggested using a spray product called “dickaway” to repel them. This “dickaway” might be a bestseller amongst the women in town!
Fornicus: … Why would anyone want dicks to be away?! But please, tell me more about this dildonado.
Hermot: Dildonado? Oh you mean that guy that dances with dildos? I think his name is Thoradin…
Fornicus: Oh my! What a funny name! Time to spread it to all the guild members!
Hermot: Would you rather I do it for you? That’ll be 5 silver pieces a head if so.
Fornicus: Oh alright. Just make sure you give me a good spread eagle pose when you do it.

Dregar Diary: Entry 1

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- Dregar Ironsides

At Mr. Ironlung's Infirmary: HQ Reduced to Rubble

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Dear Diary,

I am at the infirmary right now because HQ has been reduced to rubble. Today has been a very hectic day. We had to fight off senior members Fornicus, Hermot, and his Hermielle clones. Someone also burnt down the Fornicopia. We suspect the culprit is the Scottish-fold cat woman that was holding a wine glass that we suspect belongs to senior member Fornicus.

After discovering that blue and green weren’t at the original locations we dropped them at, we grilled Red and Yellow for information:

-A man named Griswold wants the horny hate hat. He will be attending a morning meeting with the Phantom Riders at the alley near the cafe. We might sabotage that meeting.
-The Phantom Riders used to have another member they call Pink. She was known to have issues and insecurities with her ugly ears and with her tribe. We suspect she is the cat girl we saw near the Fornicopia.
-Yellow had one curry packet left. I saved mankind by confiscating it.
-The Phantom Riders are a poor guild and are on the point of being wiped out. They recently got kicked out of their room because they couldn’t pay rent.

Deep Thoughts (or ramblings) of Svaypak Shakur

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=Begin Ramblings= There has gotta be some better Friendly Bouncer lackeys then those Bulk and Skull tub of lards that came through the hall earlier saying something cheap about Meriele… I mean really? First you insult a good comrade of mine and then you don’t even have chainmail? Hmph… Probably couldn’t fit in any normal chainmail anyways. It is my duty to whip (literally) idiots like that into shape, and they call this generation the best generation… fools I say, LUNGES NOW! I don’t think they will last too long here with the Bouncers. And then… AND THEN they have the audacity to show up at the museum “to stand guard,” what credentials do these fools have? I don’t even think they even have street cred, the nerve showing up AFTER the fight… AFTER! If they wanted some respect from me they would have thrown in a few cents during the battle with the rainbow alliance (yes that is what I am calling those monkeys of all shapes, colors, and sizes, eating during a battle, that’s a slap in the face, I think she died eating while i slapped her in the face, CHOKE ON THAT SCRUB, and boy the odor…) For all I know those 2 chubs were cowering in fear while we, the true bouncers, mopped the floor with the unworthy adversaries. Speaking of the true bouncers (the ones with the sweet insignia AKA non-interns) I’m liking the two newbies, they showed some moxie out there, Dregar and I seem to almost have a 2nd nature mind synergy out on the battlefield, while I am setting the stage its like he knows where im going and gets there before the words leave my mouth, nevermind the lack of a speech filter or weird accent and his obsession with Chase’s chest, it all comes down to the life or death situations and your reaction time. Lazyla held her own, the situation was crap to begin with when the rainbow alliance showed up, she got separated from the core group but she turned it out. Striking from afar and getting to the group. I like how her initiative, and it doesn’t hurt that she is easy on the eyes, a welcome attribute with the bunch we have. I think they will make a welcome addition to the fold. =Svay out=

First Impressions: Inside the Mind of a Boy-Crazy Woman

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Lazlya’s Diary

Day 1 as Friendly Bouncer Intern
Initial impressions of current party:

Dregar needs to stop trying to convince me to grow out my hair. Also, he is not sexy. I’d give him a 4 tops. He looks best when I look at him from my left while sitting down. Thoradin, probably the same, but he seems much more chill than Dregar.

I haven’t spoken much to Chase but it’s hard not to want to pet him! Especially in that tickly spot at the base of the tail!

Svay seems the nicest of the group when he isn’t bossing the new recruits to do lunges in chainmail. He’s also handsome! I wonder if he’s seeing anyone!

Oh and I guess I’ll have to wait to meet that red-haired eladrin. I wanted to ask her where she bought that choker.

Hello again book. I am writing this while our client is informing us about the items in his exhibit. That pretzel I had from the kiosk downstairs wasn’t too bad with the jalapenos. No one wanted to share the pretzel with me though! Well I guess I don’t blame them, I really spiced it up pretty badly!

Mmm…this Lilina Rezanthe is truly a beautiful woman. Her rack is bigger than that Longtooth woman that Chase played as! Speaking of Chase, I want to pet his fur. And nuzzle it. Ah, I miss the cats at Caboodle ranch.

The Friendly Shorts: Things Learned in Waiting Rooms

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“I am Dregar Ironsides, pleasure to meet you little girl. You are first girl I meet with such tiny facial hairs. You should make grow so many men will want babies with you.”

“Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Ironsides. I’m Lazlya Festung and unfortunately, beauty is subjective and I disagree with your advice. I had many men before meeting you, and they’ve all complemented on how hairless I am.

“Human male is crazy! How can one make hard if hair does not tangle with lover? That is how babies make, yes? Great Mother say so.”

“Um, if anything wouldn’t hair make it harder to make “babie”?" “Gets in the way, it seems.”

“Haha. Silly girl, it seem you have lot to learn about the intimacy of weh-woh. You see, when male hair touch female hair, many electron pass to …”

… and many brain cells were killed that day.

The Diary of Meriele Éclair Moonsilver

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Day 1
My first mission as a Friendly Bouncer! And it’s…courier duty? It seems they mean to have us integrate with the people of Rivergate by performing trivial tasks. Fair enough, I’d like to familiarize myself with this town and its customs. I just don’t understand why the drow we’ve been partnered with insists on shaking hands. Perhaps his cordiality is the reason he was maimed by his own people?

Day 2
I’m thankful to have been partnered with a fellow eladrin on this task. Svay served as a militiaman in a city much like Rivergate, it seems, so he has been a boon to my studies and our recent incursions against kobold brigands. The rest of the group has performed admirably, however they seem more preoccupied with exploiting the people of Rivergate through capitalism and stealing my likeness for their own homoerotic affairs. It seems that no matter how far I travel, I may never escape the petty machinations of the Court of Seasons. At least Svay has a proper head on his shoulders.

Day 3
When I opted to bring my shami along on my travels, I mainly did so because I assumed Mother would grow cross at the thought of it gathering dust in the study. I certainly wasn’t expecting to actually use it, let alone in a competition of all things. At least Luma seemed to enjoy singing along.

Day 4
Spent the evening dueling a chemically-altered kobold chieftain within a tornado of fire. This was a valuable personal lesson in and of itself.

The guild hall has become lively since I returned. It’s nice to know that our efforts have touched the hearts of the people of Rivergate. I could stand to do without the accompanying upsurge in flirtatious young men, however. If all these new recruits really wanted to impress me, they could start by actually doing the job they signed up for instead of wasting time on their shallow poems and heinous perfumes. I’m sure Hermot and the Fornicator would appreciate the attention if they weren’t occupied with their new emporium of…cultural wares.

Day 5
A new job came in today! It appears I’m…acting in a play. Seriously? Well, it’s to protect a diplomat from an assassination attempt, so at least the cause is legitimate.
Apparently, this Morielle Sungold person I’m supposed to impersonate is the living definition of the term “skank”. It’s a regional colloquialism I’m unfamiliar with, but seriously, who dresses like this? I can’t help but feel like I’ve seen these clothes before though. That girl, too. Whenever I look at her, I’m overwhelmed by a feeling of profound sadness. I wonder why?

Day 6
Let me clarify one important point: I do not hate homosexuals, despite the fact that I disagree with the life choices they have made. But homosexual drunkards trying to murder me and my friends? That’s where I draw the line. Those poor fools made one too many bad choices.

Day 7
The play has ended, and my time in that scandalous costume along with it. I will say I’m amazed at the stage crew and their ability to manipulate the fabric of time and space and warp the stage into an immersing scene.


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